she's got a boyfriend, anyway

i can't get this thought out of my head that i'm utterly, truly unlovable. that there is no one in this world capable of loving me. i know that's not true. well, i'm pretty sure that's not true, but nothing about it feels real.

i'm twenty years old, and no one's loved me. and no one's kissed me because they loved me, and no one's held me because they loved me, and no one's loved me, really, truly. i know i'm young, i know i still have time, i know all of this, i know it, but i keep feeling like i'm running out of time and i don't know how to make that feeling go away. it just feels so...innate. that i'm unlovable.

and there are people that were born to be adored. people that are always in a relationship, that have never had to learn how to be alone and be unloved because there was always someone there that loved them. people that haven't been single for longer than a month at most, has a lineup of people vying for their attention. you know the people. i'm sure you do.

i'm not hurt that they exist. i'm hurt i'll never get to be like them.

i want to be loved so bad. not even romantically, but i love love too much to feel this alone. i just want to be around people. i don't even want to be adored, i just want someone to share my love with. i know how stupid and silly and foolish that sounds, but i want to drown people in my affection. i want to shower people in gifts and compliments and kisses and poems and everything and everything. i want to love someone with every fibre of me. i want to be able to wake up in the middle of the night and let my girlfriend know i'm thinking of her. i want to pick out something that my fiance has been raving about and leave it on her desk with a note. i want to be able to kiss my wife on the cheek while i pass by her on my way to work. i want to love someone with everything i have, and i want that to be okay. i want that to be normal.

i don't know why i feel so abnormal when i love. maybe i'd feel better if someone loved me back, if i didn't feel like a freak who was overbearing and with too much love to hold inside me and no one to share it with. i don't know how to make that feeling go away. i need to make this feeling go away.

i listen to too many love songs and read too many sonnets and watch too many romance films and love too too deeply to not be sure that anyone's going to love me back. i wish there was a way of knowing that i'm capable of being loved. that someone will love me back one day and mean it. i wish there was anyway to be sure.

i know i need to sleep, but i also know that i'm so sick of sleeping alone, so i don't know where to go from here.

accentuate the positive

good things that happened today — 

 

▶ i went to the doctor's and got acne cream, so hopefully my acne will clear up soon! going to the doctor's in canada is like pulling teeth because you have to wait an hour or so for a walk-in before you even get to see anyone, and that's even though we showed up first thing in the morning. i guess i shouldn't really complain, given the universal health care and all that, but it's still a drag. anyway, i mostly waited in the car until my dad called me in, and then we left, so it wasn't very eventful, but it was nice to get out of the house and also to get some hope that my acne will stop overtaking my face until it's one giant red blob.

 

▶ i played with my sisters cats a lot - they seem to really like me, which is nice. one of them just sat and watched as i played music videos on my laptop, which was cute, and she kept trying to lick me, even when i tried to pull my hand away. they've been handing out in my room a lot. my sister thinks i accidentally bonded with them, but i think it might just be because my room has good lighting and they like basking in the sun, but still. 

 

▶ i downloaded a cbt app on my phone last night when i couldn't sleep, which seems very interesting and helpful! i haven't had too much of a chance to use it yet, save for the mini-freakout i had last night, but it's completely free with no in-app purchases with a very clean and easy-to-use layout. also, i'm excited because it's been too long since i've been able to see a therapist, and being on medication is helpful, but it feels like the more out of practice i get with cbt the more my intrusive thoughts take form. i'm hoping i get into the habit of using both cbt and medication, and am able to catch myself when i'm about to spiral. it makes me feel very hopeful!

 

▶ they're implementing more beyond meat patties in fast food chains, including the tim hortons near my house, which made me very very happy. my dad took me out to breakfast today, and i was walking in cycling through the three breakfast options i could actually eat when i saw there were new beyond meat options now! it was exciting, and also feel like it came just in time for my vegetarian transformation - well, about eight months late, but just in time for me to be vegetarian and also have someone buying me meals. also, just in general i love seeing more vegetarian options in places!

 

▶ i got to talk to people i love so dearly!! a friend i love dearly talked to me today, which was so nice because i was worried my social media hiatus was actually heightening my feelings of isolation instead of weakening them. but she reached out to let me know she missed me! and i messaged another friend and we had a conversation, so at least i can be fairly sure she's not ignoring me, which was a genuine and earnest fear for quite some time. and then i talked to a third friend who i haven't talked to in a while, and i love talking to her so much, and i got to ramble about some of the kpop boys that i love, so it was very fun!!

 

( sidenote: unsure how i feel about using names just yet, so i may put them in or edit them out depending on how i'm feeling ).

 

▶ i got to bond with my mom today, which is not something i could have ever thought possible a handful of years ago. we've been getting along really well this summer, (which, wow, when they say moving out strengthens your relationship with your parents, they really mean it!) but this morning we had a really easy conversation that i never thought i'd have. she told me about when she tried drinking as a little girl but she hated it, and then she went on to say that drinking alcohol doesn't make you a bad person, which might not sound that progressive, but was very shocking coming from my mom, who's always had a "do drugs and you'll die" attitude with me growing up. she also told me about how she used to really hate studying growing up, which again might not seem like much, but is pretty revolutionary coming from my "if you're not acing you're failing" parents. 

 

i'm finding more and more just how much i have in common with my mom, which is so unbelievably refreshing. we both had the habit in our youth where we would hide novels inside of our textbooks so we could read instead of study. we both are physically unable to think of anyone as ugly, even if our own heads, because we truly believe that there's no such thing as someone being ugly. we both have a love for live theatre and gardening and traveling and gossip. i feel like, for the first time in my life, i'm able to see my mom as a human and not just a mother, and it's kind of the best feeling in the world.

 

i've just had a really good day, and i wanted to document it for posterity. i deserve the good things that happen to be.