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whoever you want me to be
I take on anything I consume, is my problem. I don't know how to let go of things that...not even things I relate to, but just things around me. I absorb content whenever it is thrown at me. I'm like a sponge in that way. I just...become what I am near. It's sort of a running joke with my friends - whenever I watch a TV show or read a book or something, I'll inevitably start picking up the mannerisms of one of the characters. Most of my quirks and the like are pulled straight from series I've consumed multiple times until these mannerisms have imprinted themselves in me. It's the reason I often explain myself through the lens of fictional characters (if Jake Peralta met Tamaki Suoh; two parts Ben Wyatt and a pinch of Luna Lovegood).
This can effect even the way I narrate thoughts in my own head. If I'm reading a book set in first-person, especially, I'll end up thinking things just like the narrator does, but that's not the only times. When I reread Harry Potter, I started narrating my actions in my head with a third-person speaker, filled with British slang to boot. If I'm even around someone new, I tend to adopt their way of speaking, if only to make them like me slightly more. It's not even a conscious thing - I don't fully know why I do it.
It can be kind of funny, like when I read a book set in Missouri and start talking in a Southern accent for a little bit before I pull myself out of it, but lately it's just been....upsetting. Like a weight pressing down on the soul.
I think it's because I've been consuming too much depressing content. I can't tell if I was hit with a depressive episode because I've been reading and watching all this depressing things, or if I'm reading all these depressing things because I was hit with a depressive episode - sort of a self-contained loop, in any sense. The more I take on other people's sorrow through the shows I watch and the books I read, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the more I look for outside comfort like books and shows to cheer me up.
I know the obvious answer is to start consuming happy content again, but I don't know...how. I don't know where to start. Either way, I feel I'm so deep into this depressive episode that anything joyful would only feel...wrong. Like Charlie Brown teachers, drowning on in the background aimlessly but not actually meaning anything.
This seemed to be an accurate assessment, by the way. Every time I try to queue up something with a happy feeling to it, I just get instantly bored. As if this content wasn't created for me. Something about me just feels...drained, bitter. But I'm not even sure if that's me or if it's just because the last book I read had a drained and bitter narrator.
It kind of sucks not having a sense of self, to being so susceptible to your environment. It makes me interesting, I think, in the sense that I'm adaptable and am prepared for many different people and experiences, but holy fuck does it make me feel so, so empty.
This can effect even the way I narrate thoughts in my own head. If I'm reading a book set in first-person, especially, I'll end up thinking things just like the narrator does, but that's not the only times. When I reread Harry Potter, I started narrating my actions in my head with a third-person speaker, filled with British slang to boot. If I'm even around someone new, I tend to adopt their way of speaking, if only to make them like me slightly more. It's not even a conscious thing - I don't fully know why I do it.
It can be kind of funny, like when I read a book set in Missouri and start talking in a Southern accent for a little bit before I pull myself out of it, but lately it's just been....upsetting. Like a weight pressing down on the soul.
I think it's because I've been consuming too much depressing content. I can't tell if I was hit with a depressive episode because I've been reading and watching all this depressing things, or if I'm reading all these depressing things because I was hit with a depressive episode - sort of a self-contained loop, in any sense. The more I take on other people's sorrow through the shows I watch and the books I read, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the more I look for outside comfort like books and shows to cheer me up.
I know the obvious answer is to start consuming happy content again, but I don't know...how. I don't know where to start. Either way, I feel I'm so deep into this depressive episode that anything joyful would only feel...wrong. Like Charlie Brown teachers, drowning on in the background aimlessly but not actually meaning anything.
This seemed to be an accurate assessment, by the way. Every time I try to queue up something with a happy feeling to it, I just get instantly bored. As if this content wasn't created for me. Something about me just feels...drained, bitter. But I'm not even sure if that's me or if it's just because the last book I read had a drained and bitter narrator.
It kind of sucks not having a sense of self, to being so susceptible to your environment. It makes me interesting, I think, in the sense that I'm adaptable and am prepared for many different people and experiences, but holy fuck does it make me feel so, so empty.
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