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i've been big and small and big and small and big and small again
I feel like, especially lately, there's this ever-thinning line between pathetic and relatable. It's more socially accepted to be bad at things, to fail and show it off, because then other people can feel less bad about how often they fail, and so on. To err is to be human and all that. the more we progress, the worse the world becomes, the more is it okay to be a bit of a disaster.
you're allowed to be a hot mess, and in some cases it's even celebrated! i think it's seen as honesty in a world of deception and lying. there's a blurring of friend and celebrity with new additions to social media like youtube and twitter, and so online content creators often feel like they exist in an odd in-between state. growing up in that culture, it was very difficult to navigate, knowing that these people had never met me and relied on me for their income and so of course were not always honest with me (as is the nature of a modern person in capitalist culture). however, there was still a sense of closeness, a bonding felt between me and this person who will never know anything about me that made me feel like i could trust them, even though...well, i don't know if i could. i could trust them as well as i could trust any other stranger, i suppose.
but none of that is particularly related to what i wanted to talk about. my biggest concern today about the thinning line between pathetic and relatability is that i'm not quite sure which side i fall on.
i like to think i'm decently self-aware. i'm good at noticing my shortcomings - my tendency to give up whenever i face even the smallest sense of hardship, my love of self-sabotage, my ability to spiral out of control at a moment's notice - but i've never been able to tell what other people think of me. i want to say that that's something that doesn't matter to me but, unfortunately, it does.
i think it ties in not valuing what i think of myself. maybe i think i dress well, but how do i know if that means i dress well objectively? i think i have good taste in music, but what if it's really terrible? what if i try to talk to someone and casually mention a song i think is really good, and they wrinkle their nose and tell me how terrible that song is, and how i have terrible taste in music, and then i'm crushed, and i realize everything good i've ever thought about myself has been a lie, and that i'm worthless and no one will ever love me, and then i'm forced to die?
i don't exaggerate when i say i can spiral out of control at a moment's notice.
i'm someone who was never formally taught a lot of things, so i've been spending the better part of my adult life stumbling along as i go and hoping i figure things out here or there. this, combined with the fact that a lot of my comedy relies of anecdotes and funny stories about myself, leaves me in constant fear that i am doing things terribly. that i'll be telling someone a story about a time i made a huge mess in the kitchen, and isn't that so funny and relatable? and they look at me weirdly and tell me that, no, that's not relatable, and only a child would make a mistake like that, and i shouldn't be proud of being so incompetent.
i suppose that's my real fear. being incompetent. or perhaps it's being too incompetent to know when i'm being incompetent. or maybe failure in general. i'm not sure. the more i think about it, the less self-aware i think i might be.
p.s. this was absolutely brought up by a kitchen disaster.
p.p.s. i couldn't figure out how to make the dry rub stick to the tofu, and they ended up coming off in the pan. i'm not sure if that's relatable incompetent or pathetic incompetent.
you're allowed to be a hot mess, and in some cases it's even celebrated! i think it's seen as honesty in a world of deception and lying. there's a blurring of friend and celebrity with new additions to social media like youtube and twitter, and so online content creators often feel like they exist in an odd in-between state. growing up in that culture, it was very difficult to navigate, knowing that these people had never met me and relied on me for their income and so of course were not always honest with me (as is the nature of a modern person in capitalist culture). however, there was still a sense of closeness, a bonding felt between me and this person who will never know anything about me that made me feel like i could trust them, even though...well, i don't know if i could. i could trust them as well as i could trust any other stranger, i suppose.
but none of that is particularly related to what i wanted to talk about. my biggest concern today about the thinning line between pathetic and relatability is that i'm not quite sure which side i fall on.
i like to think i'm decently self-aware. i'm good at noticing my shortcomings - my tendency to give up whenever i face even the smallest sense of hardship, my love of self-sabotage, my ability to spiral out of control at a moment's notice - but i've never been able to tell what other people think of me. i want to say that that's something that doesn't matter to me but, unfortunately, it does.
i think it ties in not valuing what i think of myself. maybe i think i dress well, but how do i know if that means i dress well objectively? i think i have good taste in music, but what if it's really terrible? what if i try to talk to someone and casually mention a song i think is really good, and they wrinkle their nose and tell me how terrible that song is, and how i have terrible taste in music, and then i'm crushed, and i realize everything good i've ever thought about myself has been a lie, and that i'm worthless and no one will ever love me, and then i'm forced to die?
i don't exaggerate when i say i can spiral out of control at a moment's notice.
i'm someone who was never formally taught a lot of things, so i've been spending the better part of my adult life stumbling along as i go and hoping i figure things out here or there. this, combined with the fact that a lot of my comedy relies of anecdotes and funny stories about myself, leaves me in constant fear that i am doing things terribly. that i'll be telling someone a story about a time i made a huge mess in the kitchen, and isn't that so funny and relatable? and they look at me weirdly and tell me that, no, that's not relatable, and only a child would make a mistake like that, and i shouldn't be proud of being so incompetent.
i suppose that's my real fear. being incompetent. or perhaps it's being too incompetent to know when i'm being incompetent. or maybe failure in general. i'm not sure. the more i think about it, the less self-aware i think i might be.
p.s. this was absolutely brought up by a kitchen disaster.
p.p.s. i couldn't figure out how to make the dry rub stick to the tofu, and they ended up coming off in the pan. i'm not sure if that's relatable incompetent or pathetic incompetent.
no subject
More generally, I have tons of time for people who find things hard (hey, who doesn't fail from time to time), so long as they aren't making failure a positive thing, and are trying to improve. "I fucked up today, but I learned from it" is a positive thing. "I fucked up today, woohoo!" is a bad mindset to get into.
As far as "having good taste" goes - try to remember that it's _all_ subjective. You like what you like. De gustibus non est disputandum.
By all means work out why you like the things you like, and find people with similar tastes. But don't worry about whether they're "good" tastes or "bad" tastes. Don't judge others for their taste, and don't let yourself be judged for them.